The Birthday Present

Steve Poltz was playing at Portland Oregon's Mississippi studio's on my birthday April 29th. (i turned 17 again!) So i sang "the birthday present" a song i wrote for my friend Sarah (who was in the audience) She gave me a birthday gift that inspired the song. Everybody laughed a lot, and afterwards Poltzie told me It was the best song "ever written." It was the most fun I've had with both feet on the ground!

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT
On my last birthday, I had lot's of fun, (doot do do do)
Some friends threw me a party. I turned 41.
But then my friend Sarah, a pretty young girl that i stalk (doot do do do)
she got me a birthday gift, It was a big fuckin cock!

she wrapped it in vinyl, black and shiny as glass
about the size of a shoebox, too big to fit up my ass
what the hell was she thinking, she must've thought i was bi (bye bye bye bye)
so she got me a penis, moulded from some big gay guy.

she knows that i travel, and have impeccable taste
now i can tuck it discretely, inside its black velvet case
along with that bad-bad boy, came a slick little tube (ee doopie doop eee doop)
I got a big veiny phallus, and a bottle of sex lube

so thank you dear sarah, for the big fancy dong
you got me a sex toy honey, so i wrote you this song

(solo in "satchmo" style)

drunk and horny last friday, there were no dudes at the bar
some nurses sang happy birthday to me
i landed in the ER
it took 3 paid physicians and lots of gentle control
several drugs and a shoehorn to get it out of my butt hole

so thank you dear Sarah for the big fancy dong
you got me a sex toy honey, so i wrote you this song